he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
