Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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