Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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