So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
