Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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