I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
