I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
