if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
