so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
