someone threw a dead crab at me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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