you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
