her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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