Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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