shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
