New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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