Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
