I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
