I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
