this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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