Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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