I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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