I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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