Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
