Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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