Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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