There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
