I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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