There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize