On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
