I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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