Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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