I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
