and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
