he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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