3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
