the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
