Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
