No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
