Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
