I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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