She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
