god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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