i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
