Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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