he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
