got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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