chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
