Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
its like you know when i get waxed