I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
