my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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