you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
