he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
