i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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