now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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