The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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