i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
