You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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