Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I need water and some morals
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
