if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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