I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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